I just re-watched Glee's "Grilled Cheesus" episode on Tv-Dome. This episode has significant meaning to me for many reasons, one being that I viewed it with my family while Trevor and I were in our transition period of moving between Saskatchewan and Ontario, so I was in a bit of a funk and it made me feel better. Two being the fact that I'm not religious and this episode reminded me a lot of last Christmas, when my Grandpa passed away on the 27th.
I remember the beginning of December being a bit of a fuzz. I flew home early in the month on warning of my Mom, who suggested that despite my schedule, I should try to make a point to come early for this one. I knew exactly what that meant, so I didn't argue and I arranged my flight home within a few days.
I remember when I became suddenly aware when it became clear that we were counting down to Christmas. I had done something to annoy my Mom and the build up of the stress of the whole situation came down and my mom snapped and said that we have to enjoy this holiday because she wasn't sure that Grandpa would make it through to Christmas and that we had to enjoy everyday right now and hope that we make it through the week. It was December 22nd and that night, I prayed.
Again, I'm not religious and I would hate to make myself seem selfish, but I can be and I know that. The only times I've prayed is when I need something and when it would benefit me in someway. I don't attend church and I've never been baptized. I could count the number of stories from the Bible that I know on one hand. But that night, I was unsure of what to do. So I prayed that for the sake of my family, my Grandpa would be alive on Christmas Day.
I remember being so happy on Christmas, it being Christmas and all, but so overjoyed that we made it through that day. It wasn't a truly happy day, there was a bit of underlying, unmentionable tension, but we were all together and we made it special, trying not to think about anything further down the road. That night, I prayed again, thanking the higher powers for listening to me and giving us one last memorable Christmas with him. The last thing I thought of was my Grandpa's sufferings and how I wished the high powers could let him go.
On the 26th, Grandpa slipped into a deep sleep, waking only momentarily for sips of water and to see our faces around him. We made sure that we were all around him when he was awake and that he knew we were there. When he wasn't, we would take turns by his bedside and talk to him.
Somewhere around the late night of the 26th and the early morning of the 27th, he passed away. I remember my Dad waking me up and after I managed to rub the sleep out of my eyes, I just knew. There was a heavy heart in the next room, but there was also a sense of peace. The first thing that came out of my month that morning beside the occasional sobbing was "It's all over." All of his pain and suffering, all of our stress and tension, it was released into the air and had been blown away by a passing winter wind.
Watching that specific Glee episode reminds me of my praying. I'm on the fence about the existence of God as I was not brought up in a church setting and have no real history with religion. I've prayed to higher powers for superficial things in the past during my "stressful" teenage years in the past with no avail. But last year, as we continued to New Year's, I was unsure about the situation I had created myself. I do not believe that my prayers were answered so much, but maybe just merely listened to. And I have no doubt that I was the only one in my family praying that night. Religion is rarely discussed in my family, but I can't help but think that I was the only one who felt helpless in that time of need.
Grandpa and I at my University Convocation in 2008
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