Something New

After something like 3 years on my old website, I'm trying something different. This place just made sense because I already have an account here, but there's always a possibility I could change later on. That's very me of me - getting bored and moving along. Take right now for instance, I'm right in the middle of writing out tomorrow's reading response for film 300, yet now I find myself typing into this thing.

I don't know why, maybe I just feel the need to let stuff out now. The last month has been hectic and now I just feel my health taking a toll on me. You never apperciate your well-being until it goes completely down the shitter. Of course, my stress level has always been a tad on the high side, this semester being no different, so this really shouldn't come as a surprise. I'm pretty sure that if I were to look back on my handwritten journals (which have been sadly discarded for the majority of this year), I would probably come to the conclusion that I was officially burnt out at around this same time last year. I never fail to do this to myself, never.

It's a vicious cycle and I really have no clue how to stop it. I figured that after my film presentation yesterday, I would be relatively calm for the remainder of the week. Nope, I've slowly found everything else I had been avoiding up until that deadline to come at me and once again, I'm trying to juggle 5 different things at once. I must be a joy to be around when I'm like this, seeing as how I don't forsee this sort of thing ending until mid December.

For some reason, and better late than never, it's FINALLY hit me that I'm in my 4th year of school, yet I still have no clue what I'm going to do afterwards. If you think about it though, this really shouldn't concern me now, considering that I still have a year to go after this, working next fall while I attempt to pay off my student loans, seeing as how I will no longer be a full time student, due to the one/two class(es) I will be taking per semester in order to complete my degree. (Holy run-on sentences, Batman!!)

Maybe it's my approach more than anything else. I have no real idea how to start my life after graduation. Do I move away and god-forbid-it attempt a Master's degree like my parents so dearly hope? Do I stay and live from paycheck to paycheck at a job I will mostly likely hate? Do I dare move back with my parents to obtain more money? Do I move to some big-ass city and try to do anything that will help me into the film industry? Or do I attempt that here and sit around, waiting for results?

Maybe it's because I'm afraid to take risks, mostly because I get discouraged since I expect immediate results soon after. Like how when I came to university and I half-assed expected my "real life to start," when in reality, I didn't feel much of anything happening until the end of my 2nd year. I think this is why I'm pushing myself to apply for the workstudy program in Banff. If I don't get in, at least I'll know that I attempted to do something to break out of my mould and get somewhere. And if I don't apply, I will always wonder if things would be different.

Like always though, I've left the application to last minute and ontop of a project to film, an essay outline to research, constant reading responses and a multimedia project that god-knows-what-going-on-anymore, it's just another thing to attempt before a massive deadline hits.

I've just read over this thing and once again, I realize that I complain too much. Maybe I won't post this place right away, seeing as how I'll probably just need a good night's sleep and everything will be fine tomorrow.